Why Control Can Be Negative

Control is often misunderstood. On the surface, it can look like being organised, responsible, and “on top of things.” It can even be praised - especially if you’re the one who plans, fixes, anticipates, and keeps everything running.

But for many people, control isn’t simply a preference. It’s a way of coping.

When life has felt unpredictable, emotionally unsafe, or overwhelming (in the past or present), control can become a strategy to reduce anxiety and create a sense of certainty. The problem is: what feels protective in the short term can become limiting, exhausting, and emotionally costly over time.

Below are some of the key reasons control can become negative - even when your intentions are good.

Control can fuel anxiety rather than relieve it

Control often brings quick relief: “If I organise this, think it through, check it again, plan ahead - I’ll feel better.” And in the moment, you might.

But the longer-term message your mind and body absorb is: “I’m only safe when everything is managed.”

That can make the world feel even more threatening, because life is always changing and full certainty is impossible.

Over time, control can quietly increase:

• overthinking and mental “rehearsing”

• constant scanning for what could go wrong

• reassurance-seeking and second-guessing

• difficulty relaxing even when things are okay

Instead of building calm, it can train your nervous system to stay on high alert.

Control can create constant pressure and perfectionism

When control becomes tied to safety, it can also become tied to self-worth. You may feel like you have to get everything right - not because you want to, but because it feels risky not to

.

This often shows up as:

• high inner standards that are hard to meet

• harsh self-criticism when you make mistakes

• a sense of “never enough,” even when you’re achieving

• guilt or discomfort when resting

The cost is emotional: control can replace ease with effort. It can make life feel like a series of tasks you must manage rather than something you’re allowed to experience.

Control can shrink your world

If you only feel okay when outcomes are predictable, you may start avoiding situations where you can’t be sure what will happen. That might mean saying no to new opportunities, avoiding difficult conversations, or staying in your comfort zone - not because it’s what you truly want, but because uncertainty feels unbearable.

This can slowly reduce:

• spontaneity

• confidence

• willingness to try new things

• tolerance for change

Ironically, the more you avoid uncertainty, the less practiced you become at handling it - and the more control can feel “necessary.”

Control can strain relationships

Control doesn’t just live in your to-do list. It can show up in how you relate.

You might notice yourself:

• taking over because it’s “easier”

• feeling tense when others do things differently

• “fixing” people’s feelings rather than sitting with them

• struggling to delegate or ask for help

• feeling disappointed when others don’t meet your standards

Even when it comes from care, control can land as criticism or mistrust. It can create resentment - you feel burdened and alone with responsibility, while others feel managed or not good enough.

This is one of the hidden pains of control: it can block closeness while you’re trying to keep things safe.

Control can disconnect you from your emotions

For many people, control is less about the outside world and more about the inside one. It can be a way to avoid uncomfortable feelings such as uncertainty, sadness, anger, vulnerability, or grief.

When emotions have felt overwhelming in the past, controlling the external world can feel more manageable than allowing internal experiences to move through you.

But emotions don’t disappear because you organise around them. They often resurface as:

• irritability

• numbness

• overwhelm

• anxiety symptoms in the body

• “snapping” after holding it together for too long

Control can become a way of functioning while quietly disconnecting from what you actually feel and need.

Control can undermine self-trust

This is one of the most important (and often overlooked) impacts.

When control becomes your main coping strategy, you may start to believe you can only cope if nothing goes wrong. Instead of building the belief “I can handle it,” control can reinforce: “I can only handle it if I prevent it.”

That can make you feel less resilient over time, not more. And it can create a fragile relationship with yourself - where peace is conditional on everything being perfect, predictable, and done “properly.”

A gentle note

If you recognise yourself in any of this, it doesn’t mean you’re “too controlling” or doing something wrong. Control often develops for a reason. It can be an intelligent response to stress, pressure, or experiences where you didn’t feel safe, supported, or able to rely on others.

The difficulty is that what once protected you can become a cage - mentally, emotionally, and relationally.

If control is affecting your wellbeing, your relationships, or your ability to relax and feel present, exploring it in therapy can be a powerful first step - not to take your strengths away, but to help you feel safer inside yourself without having to hold everything together all the time.

Please reach out for a one to one initial consultation via www.alignedmindset.co.uk